your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
