By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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