sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
