Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
