Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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