I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I need to align my fucking chakras
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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