Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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