Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
