dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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