Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
