There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
