the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's shark week go big or go home
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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