just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
