Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
