I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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