ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
