he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Randomize
