the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
