I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
