He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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