i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
last night I used snow as a chaser
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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