I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
