i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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