Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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