so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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