sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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