Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
