there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
