I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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