where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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