Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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