Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
