I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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