I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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