He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
