New low: just hacked my moms facebook
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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