im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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