We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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