Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
