I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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