i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I DEMAND FORESKIN
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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