Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
