Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
