Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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