Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
where are my eyebrows?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
