Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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