she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
