life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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