At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
