I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
