Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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