I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
