I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
